Deborah Chew

 This might be one of the hardest blog posts for me to write ever.  But firstly - let me state my surprise that I did not realize I did not write a single post for 2021, I've thought that I've at least blogged annually. I guess the main big thing that happened in 2021 was that I met Puven (through Bumble) - my significant other who became my fiance a month ago!  My journey with Puven has been an interesting one for sure, but probably one for another day/ there will be sprinkles of it throughout this post I'm sure.  So, my 2022. My first response to this is one big sigh.  This year for me was significantly marked with struggle. so much confusion. guilt. tears. anxiety. fear. insomnia. suffocation. headaches. insecurity. weight gain. Almost all of these words are words that I never thought I would be closely affiliated with (except weight gain, that seems to happen every few years haha).  So I thought it started with the insomnia, I was having terrible headac...

I've just listened to a podcast that I've found deeply inspiring. It's episode 2 of Agencies of Design, called 'Storytelling and Migration ft. Alicy Aedy'. She's a photojournalist that I've only heard about through her dating relationship with Jack Harries. That's something to say of the influencing power of relationships, but anyway. She spoke with so much passion about the causes she cares about, but what made it so real and deeply touching to me was the authenticity and vulnerability in which she talked about her struggles in her journey to getting to where she is now. She talked about feeling inadequate and underqualified to do what she was doing. She's a woman in a male-dominated arena (photography) and she was intimidated by all the jargon and she wasn't a professional photographer. But she's passionate about connecting with people and telling their stories, and using that to drive change. Photography for her is the tool to get there....

2020 is turning out to be W I L D.  It's only April, but i'm writing from home, where I've not left my house for more than a month (excluding the ONE grocery trip). This of course is very unlike me, but it my submission to crazy corona. This virus is truly amazing and terrifying all at once, it's changed the lives of almost everyone on earth. There's mass deaths, tension, confusion, and economic disaster. It all feels very uncontrollable, and I'm sure many are feeling a lost of security. The poor and vulnerable are exposed to even higher risks now, and those who were living comfortably are forced to deal face-to-face with the equally scary world of introspection. This is the situation that I know is real for many, but for me personally, my experience has not been so much doom and gloom.  There has been so much good in this, and I've made sure to fill my social media feeds (my main info source) with uplifting, wholesome content. Yes, I know the world i...

It's mid way point of the year, appropriate time to reflect on how I'm doing on my goals. I would say I'm satisfied. I haven't full achieved them but I'm proud that at least I'm still trying and haven't given up. Training my mind:  I've completed (almost! one more chapter) 4 books so far (yes i know, it turned out 2 books a month is kind of unrealistic...) and I've also listened to psychological podcasts and engaged in some mind-challenging discussions. Training my body: I decided to stop Jiu-jitsu for a number of reasons. However, my main goal was to keep fit and healthy, do physical activity that will challenge my mental and physical strength. I am still doing that by going for various exercise classes on ClassPass (boxing, spin, strength training...) I enjoy the variety that it offers me and gives me more flexibility on when and where I want to train. I find that this works for me better! Training my soul: I have volunteered for The Vic...

New year, new me ? typical, cliche, cheesy but i hope it's true. Here are my simple enough goals for this year that I think are totally achievable. Challenging but at the right level. Train my MIND : Read a minimum of 2 books per month. Watch lecture series/educational stuff. Train my BODY: Compete in a Brazilian JiuJitsu competition, even if i don't win anything the process of training will be great. Train my SOUL: Focus on serving others, especially when I feel down about my life. Volunteer to serve in church and charities. Train my SPIRIT: Read the bible first thing in the morning, before checking social media and messages. Additional goal: Don't use up all my annual leave days because deb you're not THAT weak, you CAN get up in the mornings and it's not morally right to say you can't go to work because "i'm not feeling well" when really you just stayed up till 1am chilling.

Here I am, 6am in the morning, dreadfully awake and drenched in tears. Something not uncommon for me in the past 2 months. I tend to feel things deeply, especially as it pertains to relationships/friendships. The love I feel for my friends at times often scares me. I don’t particularly like it, as people come and go (including me)  and also it’s just cheesy as heck. This was my first long-term relationship. I poured all my emotions, thoughts and devotion into it. I tried not to show it, making sure I spent lots of time with other people, and by limiting my social media of him. It was also (I hoped) a self defence mechanism that would help me get over him if a break-up happened. I think the basic gist of what happened is that I didn’t fully know what I wanted or needed in a relationship. And the things I did know, I didn’t insist on or communicate it well.  I didn’t communicate effectively what was going on inside of me, the uncertainty and unease I felt. And then there’s...

1. The way I spent my time determined everything. I made it a point to not watch TV series or dramas unless it was part of a shared experience with other people (like going to the cinema). That meant I had a lot of time for studies, friends and cultivating other hobbies. I really appreciated that I made that decision, it made my time in England so much more fulfilling as I had spent a large portion of my time in real-life interaction and experiences, rather than getting caught up in virtual reality, which I can get in any part of the world. 2. Avoiding heart attacks through preparation feels good. After the 1st assignment hand-in that I cut it super close, I made it a point to hand in everything early. There was an assignment that I even handed in close to 2 weeks before the due date. If I told Deb from a year ago that this happened, she would have laughed. It feels so much better to think ahead, plan early and get things done ahead of time. 3. The people I surrounded myself with...

I have about 5 days till I head to back to Malaysia. I'm currently staying in my friend (Clare Ward)'s house. I don't know what I've done in my life to deserve this honestly because I get to stay here for free, they helped me with carrying all my baggage from my halls, i've been having clare's mom great home-cooked food, do sodoku with her dad, and watching Love Island (such a terrible superficial show but the drama is so good omg hahahah) with Clare. The area around here is also so lush, it's full of trees and there's lovely canals scattered around. I don't deserve this and am appreciating and loving this time to relax so so much. In my typical style, here are some of the things I want to remember from these memorable 9 months here. - My birthday hangout with my brother & my now boyfriend to buy a skateboard lol - My birthday party & first time @ a Club - House parties at Flat 10 & a terrible period leak on a guy's bed (ask m...

So I have about 3 more months left in this place that has been my temporary home. I've moved into the stage of feeling a lot more reflective and considering all that has happened and all that I've experienced here. Currently, I'm on placement (like an internship) in a nursery in Gloucestershire and really liking it. It's honestly something of a miracle that I'm able to wake up at 6.30 everyday without extreme dislike or disdain. The setting is really homey and the teachers and manger/directors there are lovely, I am so blessed. The children are a delight and I love the little conversations and funny moments I get to be a part of. A few posts back, I mentioned that I had 2 important life updates which I feel are ok to talk about now: 1. My sister is pregnant with a second child and she is due in June, hopefully the baby will wait till I get back!!!! I love being an aunty and am so excited for the one coming!! I'm dearly missing my nephew and can't wai...

I am honestly one of the most "in the middle" people I know. I have very few rigid viewpoints, choosing to see most things as circumstancial and subjective. Even for my preferences, I have very few things I strongly dislike. I have a lot of things that I like, though. I have almost zero drama in my life, other than let's say, conflicts inflicted and forced upon me in family situations. Otherwise, in the few times that I do feel unfairly treated, I always manage to find a way to justify that person (i.e that person must be going through a rough time, maybe she/he had a rough childhood...) and almost never take offense. Other people seem to have strong opinions. I never feel like I have enough knowledge of absolute truth (and what even is that? that's a huge debate) to argue points. I say what I believe based on what I think and feel to be right, but I am painfully aware of how the things I'm saying may not be the absolute truth and many times I end up with ...

I've been thinking a lot. Because I've been doing less. And I've been thinking about how limited my thinking is. In most questions that I ask myself, I can pursue the topic into a few layers, and then my knowledge stops. And I normally don't pursue further. Mostly because I like feeling at ease and free of worries, and thinking more and pursuing hard questions give me a headache. So what shall I do? for now I'll stop thinking and just get back to working on my literature review because I kindof need to do that in order to graduate.

Today was fun. It snowed. I had korean bbq. The meat was on skewers, that was strange. Bibimbap. I threw snowballs and chucked ice on my mates. and threw water out the window unto khai's head. Nasi goreng kicap and teh o in a champagne glass. Sushi Go with my kind and malay music in the background. My feet were cold. My heart is warmed.

No matter how often her anxieties appear she knows she was not given a spirit of fear, but of power, love and self control. - Megan Harper Nichols (1 Tim 1:7)

My last post was only a month ago, and i'm updating already! damn!  I thought I'll add on some things to my list of things to be grateful for. - I got my assessment results back for my first assignment. It was an assignment that only 4 of us students from Malaysia had to do. Basically because we're doing a top up and only joining them in their last year of uni. It was an assignment that had to do with British legislation and British safeguarding policy. Apparently my results were better than most of the local students. And i did super last minute work. By super last minute, I mean SUPER LAST MINUTE. I'm talking about uploading my assignment at 11:58pm when it was due at 12am. I'm talking about starting the 2500 word essay with 20 hours before 12am. I'm talking about working on the essay while on a 4 hour train ride from Cheltenham to Cambridge, with a transfer at London Paddington to Kings Cross. I'm talking about fitting in a dumpling session with my ho...

I may continue my previous serious of Jesus > Religion someday.... but for now. I am now in the UK, on the first day of my 3rd week of Uni. Its been an absolute buzz of activity and I have honestly been loving it lots. The amount of independence and control I have comes as very new and is a welcome change. It does feel really strange though, I have no constraints apart from the ones I set for myself. Basically, it feels strange to be a full on adult (apart from the fact that the money I use is not mine but I'm thrifty with it nonetheless) I am the type who is attracted to novelty and new experiences, so moving here has been nothing short of exciting. There are so many friendships and new connections with people being made. Academic wise, I know it's going to be so challenging but I love the subjects I have this semester and the lecturers and tutors are really lovely. I have been feeling extremely blessed since my arrival and thought i'll make a gratitude list of ...

This is a copy paste intro from my previous post. The contents following this intro will be from the second chapter of the book.  [So I've been reading this book called Jesus > Religion by Jefferson Bethke. You may know him by his viral video on YouTube which you can watch here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1IAhDGYlpqY The book is essentially all about what it says on the front cover: Why He (Jesus) is so much better than trying harder, doing more, and being good enough.  I am in love with this book for how many BURNS it gives to many Christians (including me!) always been a fan of "oh snap" moments ;) For my own benefit and for others, I will be typing out portions from this book that I resonate with and want a place where I can document it for easy access. ] -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------   Chapter: Two Title: Saying Nothing New I had been a C...

So I've been reading this book called Jesus > Religion by Jefferson Bethke. You may know him by his viral video on YouTube which you can watch here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1IAhDGYlpqY The book is essentially all about what it says on the front cover: Why He (Jesus) is so much better than trying harder, doing more, and being good enough.  I am in love with this book for how many BURNS it gives to many Christians (including me!) always been a fan of "oh snap" moments ;) For my own benefit and for others, I will be typing out portions from this book that I resonate with and want a place where I can document it for easy access.  This is from the first chapter under the the title "Finding the real Jesus" The first 6 months of my life with Jesus, I was alone and guessing how to "do" the Christian faith. I spent a lot of nights in my dorm room reading my Bible - which was better than going out and partying like I did the sem bef...

This season really has been so stretching. Stretched in fulfilling responsibilities at work, at church and at home. Stretched in hearing and obeying God's voice. Stretched in denying myself. I love that I'm growing, but boy it sure is uncomfortable. And there's still so much more. Lord, let me be so aware of You. When I find it hard to love. When I find it hard to follow your voice. Thank You for your joy that is my strength. I can do all things through You!

On my own Weak, frail, unable Turn the table Frustration, Disapointment Stress, Tension _________________________ I see Your arms open wide Nothing from You I hide Comfort, peace, joy You are my strength. I trust You.

I am fully aware that this post will make me sound like a loser but isn't that what this blog is for anyway.... Here is where I splurt all my emo-ness because I don't like splurting my emo-ness on people in real life. Ok so here is my problem, and actually most people who know me will know what it is. (I guess i do splurt my emo-ness to ppl irl...)  And it's beginning to feel more and more serious. I'm lacking motivation to do anything. Like, anything at all. Excluding eating, sleeping and watching shows. and washing dishes. I like washing dishes. But ya. work? lazy. talking to people? lazy. exercise? rock climbing is slightly tempting but still, lazy. reading to become more informed/intelligent? lazy. DEBS WHY DEBS STOP DEBS HOW WILL U PROGRESS IN LIFE ya so pray for me and if u have similar experience and have overcome this terrible sad state and have good advice pls text me or smth thx