Deborah Chew

Here I am, 6am in the morning, dreadfully awake and drenched in tears. Something not uncommon for me in the past 2 months. I tend to feel things deeply, especially as it pertains to relationships/friendships. The love I feel for my friends at times often scares me. I don’t particularly like it, as people come and go (including me)  and also it’s just cheesy as heck. This was my first long-term relationship. I poured all my emotions, thoughts and devotion into it. I tried not to show it, making sure I spent lots of time with other people, and by limiting my social media of him. It was also (I hoped) a self defence mechanism that would help me get over him if a break-up happened. I think the basic gist of what happened is that I didn’t fully know what I wanted or needed in a relationship. And the things I did know, I didn’t insist on or communicate it well.  I didn’t communicate effectively what was going on inside of me, the uncertainty and unease I felt. And then there’s the dist

1. The way I spent my time determined everything. I made it a point to not watch TV series or dramas unless it was part of a shared experience with other people (like going to the cinema). That meant I had a lot of time for studies, friends and cultivating other hobbies. I really appreciated that I made that decision, it made my time in England so much more fulfilling as I had spent a large portion of my time in real-life interaction and experiences, rather than getting caught up in virtual reality, which I can get in any part of the world. 2. Avoiding heart attacks through preparation feels good. After the 1st assignment hand-in that I cut it super close, I made it a point to hand in everything early. There was an assignment that I even handed in close to 2 weeks before the due date. If I told Deb from a year ago that this happened, she would have laughed. It feels so much better to think ahead, plan early and get things done ahead of time. 3. The people I surrounded myself with

I have about 5 days till I head to back to Malaysia. I'm currently staying in my friend (Clare Ward)'s house. I don't know what I've done in my life to deserve this honestly because I get to stay here for free, they helped me with carrying all my baggage from my halls, i've been having clare's mom great home-cooked food, do sodoku with her dad, and watching Love Island (such a terrible superficial show but the drama is so good omg hahahah) with Clare. The area around here is also so lush, it's full of trees and there's lovely canals scattered around. I don't deserve this and am appreciating and loving this time to relax so so much. In my typical style, here are some of the things I want to remember from these memorable 9 months here. - My birthday hangout with my brother & my now boyfriend to buy a skateboard lol - My birthday party & first time @ a Club - House parties at Flat 10 & a terrible period leak on a guy's bed (ask m

So I have about 3 more months left in this place that has been my temporary home. I've moved into the stage of feeling a lot more reflective and considering all that has happened and all that I've experienced here. Currently, I'm on placement (like an internship) in a nursery in Gloucestershire and really liking it. It's honestly something of a miracle that I'm able to wake up at 6.30 everyday without extreme dislike or disdain. The setting is really homey and the teachers and manger/directors there are lovely, I am so blessed. The children are a delight and I love the little conversations and funny moments I get to be a part of. A few posts back, I mentioned that I had 2 important life updates which I feel are ok to talk about now: 1. My sister is pregnant with a second child and she is due in June, hopefully the baby will wait till I get back!!!! I love being an aunty and am so excited for the one coming!! I'm dearly missing my nephew and can't wai

I am honestly one of the most "in the middle" people I know. I have very few rigid viewpoints, choosing to see most things as circumstancial and subjective. Even for my preferences, I have very few things I strongly dislike. I have a lot of things that I like, though. I have almost zero drama in my life, other than let's say, conflicts inflicted and forced upon me in family situations. Otherwise, in the few times that I do feel unfairly treated, I always manage to find a way to justify that person (i.e that person must be going through a rough time, maybe she/he had a rough childhood...) and almost never take offense. Other people seem to have strong opinions. I never feel like I have enough knowledge of absolute truth (and what even is that? that's a huge debate) to argue points. I say what I believe based on what I think and feel to be right, but I am painfully aware of how the things I'm saying may not be the absolute truth and many times I end up with &qu

I've been thinking a lot. Because I've been doing less. And I've been thinking about how limited my thinking is. In most questions that I ask myself, I can pursue the topic into a few layers, and then my knowledge stops. And I normally don't pursue further. Mostly because I like feeling at ease and free of worries, and thinking more and pursuing hard questions give me a headache. So what shall I do? for now I'll stop thinking and just get back to working on my literature review because I kindof need to do that in order to graduate.