It hurts.
Here I am, 6am in the morning, dreadfully awake and drenched in tears. Something not uncommon for me in the past 2 months.
I tend to feel things deeply, especially as it pertains to relationships/friendships. The love I feel for my friends at times often scares me. I don’t particularly like it, as people come and go (including me) and also it’s just cheesy as heck.
This was my first long-term relationship. I poured all my emotions, thoughts and devotion into it. I tried not to show it, making sure I spent lots of time with other people, and by limiting my social media of him. It was also (I hoped) a self defence mechanism that would help me get over him if a break-up happened.
I think the basic gist of what happened is that I didn’t fully know what I wanted or needed in a relationship. And the things I did know, I didn’t insist on or communicate it well. I didn’t communicate effectively what was going on inside of me, the uncertainty and unease I felt. And then there’s the distance which made the friendship grow but idk man LDR is just hard. And then there’s some things that I think were probably his fault but I mostly point at myself as there were so many things I did wrong. I didn’t end it in the best way, because I was too overwhelmed and trying to make an already hard decision, easier for myself. But then I hurt him along the way which breaks me because I didn’t want to do that. And it’s just a terrible feeling, knowing that you’ve hurt someone that you love.
Some days it’s not the first thing on my mind when I wake up (it’s like the second or third) and that gives me a little hope. But it’s inevitable that throughout my day things remind me of him. Scrolling Instagram, happy couples. Eating pizza. Watching Jordan Peterson videos. Something that somebody says. And just about another 100 things that happen throughout my day. Sometimes I’m able to smile it off or just enjoy the memory for what it is.
But other memories hit a littler harder. The memories of us lying together. The memories of those tender gazes and confessions of love. The memories of our conversations about our future and our hopes. Then there’s the added pain of questions that will never be answered and the crushing feeling that all that we wanted to do together won’t happen.
It’s so painful. I don’t understand how so many people have gone through this pain. They say first love hurts the most, I’ve never felt this pain in my life so I’m taking that as probably true. I want to get over it, it’s been around 2 months now. I’ve had better closure than most people will ever get. There was no cheating involved. We both have vibrant lives apart from each other. I really should be doing better, but my weeping says otherwise.
The whole transition into coming back and into working has a part to play in this emotional turmoil too. The little world I had in England and the person I’ve become from my experience there is so different from the person I used to be and the culture I’m getting stuck back in to. And honestly, I’m reluctant to do it. But I chose this path, somehow feeling that this is what I need to do and I guess, what I want to do, but don’t want to do at the same time.
It’s hard to hold on to hope in a time like this, but I don’t see what choice I have if I want to succeed.
I’m kind of sick of giving myself pep talks but here we go again:
You’ve grown.
You’ll find someone else, who will be better for you, as hard as that is to believe, and you will try your best to not repeat the mistakes u made in this relationship.
You will try your best to live truthfully, no matter how terrifying that is, and that will benefit everyone around you.
If you see me around, feel free to give me a hug. Or treat me to Korean bbq or take me for karaoke or treat me to a beer. Temporary escapism doesn’t solve the problem but hey I still appreciate it + I’ve made my case that I love friends xx
I tend to feel things deeply, especially as it pertains to relationships/friendships. The love I feel for my friends at times often scares me. I don’t particularly like it, as people come and go (including me) and also it’s just cheesy as heck.
This was my first long-term relationship. I poured all my emotions, thoughts and devotion into it. I tried not to show it, making sure I spent lots of time with other people, and by limiting my social media of him. It was also (I hoped) a self defence mechanism that would help me get over him if a break-up happened.
I think the basic gist of what happened is that I didn’t fully know what I wanted or needed in a relationship. And the things I did know, I didn’t insist on or communicate it well. I didn’t communicate effectively what was going on inside of me, the uncertainty and unease I felt. And then there’s the distance which made the friendship grow but idk man LDR is just hard. And then there’s some things that I think were probably his fault but I mostly point at myself as there were so many things I did wrong. I didn’t end it in the best way, because I was too overwhelmed and trying to make an already hard decision, easier for myself. But then I hurt him along the way which breaks me because I didn’t want to do that. And it’s just a terrible feeling, knowing that you’ve hurt someone that you love.
Some days it’s not the first thing on my mind when I wake up (it’s like the second or third) and that gives me a little hope. But it’s inevitable that throughout my day things remind me of him. Scrolling Instagram, happy couples. Eating pizza. Watching Jordan Peterson videos. Something that somebody says. And just about another 100 things that happen throughout my day. Sometimes I’m able to smile it off or just enjoy the memory for what it is.
But other memories hit a littler harder. The memories of us lying together. The memories of those tender gazes and confessions of love. The memories of our conversations about our future and our hopes. Then there’s the added pain of questions that will never be answered and the crushing feeling that all that we wanted to do together won’t happen.
It’s so painful. I don’t understand how so many people have gone through this pain. They say first love hurts the most, I’ve never felt this pain in my life so I’m taking that as probably true. I want to get over it, it’s been around 2 months now. I’ve had better closure than most people will ever get. There was no cheating involved. We both have vibrant lives apart from each other. I really should be doing better, but my weeping says otherwise.
The whole transition into coming back and into working has a part to play in this emotional turmoil too. The little world I had in England and the person I’ve become from my experience there is so different from the person I used to be and the culture I’m getting stuck back in to. And honestly, I’m reluctant to do it. But I chose this path, somehow feeling that this is what I need to do and I guess, what I want to do, but don’t want to do at the same time.
It’s hard to hold on to hope in a time like this, but I don’t see what choice I have if I want to succeed.
I’m kind of sick of giving myself pep talks but here we go again:
You’ve grown.
You’ll find someone else, who will be better for you, as hard as that is to believe, and you will try your best to not repeat the mistakes u made in this relationship.
You will try your best to live truthfully, no matter how terrifying that is, and that will benefit everyone around you.
If you see me around, feel free to give me a hug. Or treat me to Korean bbq or take me for karaoke or treat me to a beer. Temporary escapism doesn’t solve the problem but hey I still appreciate it + I’ve made my case that I love friends xx
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