2022 - The lowest yet

 This might be one of the hardest blog posts for me to write ever. 

But firstly - let me state my surprise that I did not realize I did not write a single post for 2021, I've thought that I've at least blogged annually. I guess the main big thing that happened in 2021 was that I met Puven (through Bumble) - my significant other who became my fiance a month ago! 

My journey with Puven has been an interesting one for sure, but probably one for another day/ there will be sprinkles of it throughout this post I'm sure. 

So, my 2022. My first response to this is one big sigh. 

This year for me was significantly marked with struggle. so much confusion. guilt. tears. anxiety. fear. insomnia. suffocation. headaches. insecurity. weight gain. Almost all of these words are words that I never thought I would be closely affiliated with (except weight gain, that seems to happen every few years haha). 

So I thought it started with the insomnia, I was having terrible headaches and feeling like shit at work most days for months. It was particularly worse from May/June onwards. I felt like it was really difficult for me to think straight, I constantly was forgetting things and there was a constant cloud that I felt constantly dulled by. My chest started feeling uncomfortably tight and strained a lot of the time, sometimes it would actually feel pain. I started to feel like I couldn't breathe properly. But even when I took deep breaths, it still felt like I still didn't have enough air. That's when I started thinking- ok this isn't normal, this isn't sustainable and I need to do something about it. I felt really upset by all of these symptoms because I felt like I couldn't perform at work like how I normally do, and also I just didn't feel like myself. I felt like all the joy, curiosity and jest-ful nature that I was so used to was almost completely gone - I would only see glimpses of it. I felt like I didn't know this person that I had become.

I've cried more this year than I have in probably all my previous years combined. Since late July, I've cried almost every single day (tho there have been some good weeks where it was only 1-2 times a week), sometimes multiple times in a day. I went for counselling from August - November. It was really hard work, and more often than not I would leave my sessions crying. Being self-aware and dealing with all the overwhelming emotions is well, overwhelming.

I feel like anxiety was a new word added to my working vocabulary this year. Before this, I only knew it as a distant concept, and I never really understood worry, fear, overthinking and anxiety the way I do now. At some points, even the sound of outside traffic or the acceleration of a car was enough to strike fear into my heart. There have been so many times where I feel so fearful that I feel unable to do anything. 

I had a talk with my parents (my bosses at the kindergarten that they own and I work at) and with my staff. I explained to them my symptoms (which according to Google was symptoms of acute stress syndrome or something, so I used that to explain what I was going through) and told them I would try to go into work 3 times a week to see if that helped anything. I gave myself a timeline of a few weeks where I would work less, recover quickly and get back to work daily as usual. Well, that never happened. 

I took all the physical tests at the doctors- because of my heart beating that I felt was beating fast nearly every morning when I woke up at 3 or 4 am everyday (I was getting 3-4 hours of sleep for months), and beating fast every night when I wanted to sleep... but the tests all came back reporting that there were no unusual symptoms to be worries about. Which at that point I wasn't surprised- I knew it was something happening psychologically and mentally. 

I was plunged into guilt for not being able to go into work like everyone else, I felt so much shame and felt like such a loser because I wasn't able to just grit my teeth and keeping pushing through. I kept trying to go to work, but the more I tried the more defeated and overwhelmed I felt. For many weeks after that I could only bring myself to go in to the office once a week, unlike the 3 days a week I had initially promised. That just added to my guilt and self-condemnation for being so weak. I spent a few sessions in counselling talking through this guilt, but to be completely honest, I still feel it. I feel ashamed to talk to people about my work now because I'm barely doing anything compared to what I used to do. Everyone is busy and stressed out at work - whereas I'm what? Spending a whole time at home struggling with my mental health and my fears and distracting myself from the darkness in my mind by watching Netflix? How do I tell this to my friends while we're having a fun catch-up over coffee? 

And poor Puven, I spend so much time with him so he really kena the brunt of all the side effects (or direct effects) of all this. Throughout this time my self-esteem hit an all-time low, and the confident self-sufficient girl that he had fallen in love with at the beginning of of 2021 was non-existent. He had to deal with this crying mess, that was finding fault in the small things he was doing, my insecurities over my looks or weight flaring up it's ugly head and me constantly snapping and overreacting because I feel on edge and uneasy all the time. 

My relationship with my parents- specifically my mom, has been the worst its been since my early teen years. First their inability to understand to my situation because they didn't understand it (completely understandable because I barely understood it mysel,  and also boomers have barely been exposed to mental health issues) then her scolding me for many different issues (many also related to my relationship with Puven). 

Last month, I was doing better. I had wrapped up my sessions with my counsellor (she was a trainee and had just completed her Counselling degree, so she was wrapping up with all her current clients that she was volunteering her time with). I was sleeping better, spending more time with friends and feeling happier. 

But these 2 weeks, I feel shit again. The sleep problem (and the anxiety and excessive crying that comes with it) is back again. The fear of going to work. The guilt that comes from not going. The flaring up at every other comment. 

I'm trying to think of these 2 weeks as a down spike rather than a cycle. It will get better and go up, and hopefully the general direction will be up and that this shit time won't last as long as the last. It's hard tho, I feel like I'm back where I was, with just more knowledge and less confusion, so I guess you can say I feel like I'm back at square 3. Like I'm in a game of snakes and ladders and I just slid from square 30 to 3. I'm just tired of going through this. 

It is however, not all bad. I can probably still see the 25% good that I've experienced in this year :

- Finally drawing a bit closer to God and finding comfort in Him, realizing how NOT self-sufficient I am, how he is in control and I am not, being humbled to realise that I have to rely on God and can't do it on my own. 

-  I somehow still got engaged in the midst of this mess which shows me that Puven is really committed to loving me even at my worst, also we've really grown in understanding each other and having great communication, and by going through this shit together before even getting married- it's giving us a good foundation and is a 'demo-round'(??) of the hardships that we will face together as a married couple. 

- I've become so much more self-aware and able to sit with negative emotions and working through them (which I wasn't able to do before). Going through counselling thought me some useful coping mechanisms and better ways of thinking. 

- I now can fully empathize with others who struggle with their mental health as I'm experiencing it first-hand. 

- I've been able to identify the VERY FEW friends that really care, the ones that take the effort to check in on me, are willing to hear me out and be there for me when its not all fun and games. These are the people that matter. 

- I'm lucky to work under family and still be able to get paid while not working daily.

- I've still made some fun lifelong memories with some friends.

I'm trying. Trying to count my blessings, trying to trust God, trying to trust that everything will be okay. Here's to trying. 

I pray 2023 will be better.